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Save the Planet! The Rascals Have a Plan
Today a really, really important group known as the World Wide Fund for Nature issued a really, really important alarm about the world. Given that these are probably the most-concerned-about-the-earth-people in the whole wide world, well, we could not just ignore it, you know. This is not just any fly-by-who regional outfit with an eye on some insignificant social program. They are the Worldwide Fund for Nature after all. Anyway, the climate experts at the WWF have stumbled into some important news: the Earth has only 5 years to live. Really. 5 years.
Al Gore, we know, we know, he said 10 years, but he was apparently sandbagging us with overly optimistic assumptions. That was 2 years ago anyway, and so its really 8 according to Al, but if you want to be conservative you better assume its 5, not 8. You better!
SO that means if we wait 2 years — ARE YOU LISTENING? I SAID 2 YEARS PEOPLE — we will only have 3 years left to deal with this big huge problem that requires immediate attention right now. Really. If you don’t believe it, then read this, you carbon drunk jerks.
BUT DON’T WORRY: The Rascals to the rescue! You can help. Don’t just sit around hand-wringing the bad news about the billions to be left homeless by the coming eco-disaster (OK, its just a billion, sorry about that– don’t mean to exaggerate) or the wipeout of 30% of all species. Radical action now can change this terrible reality, easily. We just have to have an upbeat attitude and take some affirmative action now.
The key word here is radical. What radical action would you be willing to do to save the earth in the next 5 years?
No worries: We have a plan. We know that we can’t solve the entire world’s problem ourselves. But we can work together to make the world a better place on the ground where we live, can’t we? So, here is what you do:
Friends, admitting you have a problem is the first step in solving it. So, start by coming to terms with the harms you have caused. Consider the many ways in which you are destroying the environment. You know you are a big fat fossil fuel addict. You wear lots of leather, and you probably eat meat. Just about everything you buy is wrapped in some sort of oil-based wrapping material, or tree-killing paper. Take careful account of all those aerosols in your bathroom, and come to terms with your Starbucks-junkie-unfair-trade-coffee-exploiting-self. Come to terms with the greenhouse gases that you personally emit from time to time and all that TP you squander on your sorry self.
Guilty on all counts says the Rascal jury.
So how do you personally repent of these sins against the earth? How do you get free of your guilty conscience? Don’t worry, you don’t have to do any complicated carbon tally worksheets. Instead, we will just assume that each person puts off $1.00 of carbonic juju a day. So, its easy and inexpensive to do your part: That’s less than half the cost of a Decaff Mocha Latte!
The Rascals promise we will make the following earth-conscience actions with your contributions.
We will commit 94% of every dollar we receive — 1% more than the WWF! — to the following worthy projects:
Education of Children: The environmental upheaval that you are causing threatens to erase the educational opportunity for average middle class children everywhere. Without an environment, how will kids walk to school? If it is 150 degrees out, how can kids concentrate on their math?
With your $1 a day, you can make sure that several actual children are well clothed, well fed, and well educated. We have already identified these children and will have many pictures to show our contributors how their money is being put to use.
Homelessness Prevention and Habitat Improvement: Many of your dollars will be faithfully committed to ensure people will not go homeless. To ensure accountability, this money will be devoted to people we personally know and can monitor.
Habitat Protection: Animal habitats will be a focal point of our philanthropic work. Everyday your contributions will be devoted to protection of the habitat of animal life in major urban areas. Initial focus will be on the species of “canis familiaris” of the candidate family.
As we always say: Think globally, act locally! And when we say locally, we mean very locally. Send in your money now!